Monday, February 11, 2013

The Following Blog May Contain Bryan Adams

I support local business.  I give money to every 5th busker I see.  I donate to 'Medecins Sans Frontieres' every month.  I'm pretty much a modern day Robin Hood.  The Kevin Costner one, not the Russell Crowe one.

*I recommend playing Bryan Adams '(Everything I do) I do it for you' to underscore this blog*

I have an imaginary flatmate named Little John who I blame whenever I have late fees at the DVD store.

I rob from the rich.  I had an extra burger put in my order once and I never went back to tell them! And did I keep that burger for myself?  No! I gave it to my friend Stefan who had less money than me.


*You should be up to 'Look Into My Eyes, You  Will See' in the song*

Today though this Robin Hoods' morality was tested...

See, I'm getting something installed at Nan's.  For the sake of the person responsible for the next part of the tale, I won't tell you what was installed but even using the word 'installed' narrows the possibilities.  And no, I didn't get Nan microchipped.  She had it done in 2007 after she broke loose from the backyard during a thunderstorm.

Let's just say that we were getting hay installed in our barn.  Except that we have two barns and we couldn't workout which barn to get the hay installed in.  Barn A, in the lounge room, or Barn B, the MUCH bigger barn inconveniently located in the dining room... Of the farm.  I wanted to phone a friend.

The technician suggested that for a small cash price, he could solve our hay related issues and install hay in both barns, a service that the hay company usually charges $15 a month extra for to have Foxtel on both TV's... in the barns.

FANTASTIC! What a great solution.  Easy! Why not?!

Exactly. Why not?  Something didn't sit right...

We aren't REALLY doing anything wrong?  How will it hurt a company this size?  Surely the cash could go to help this technicians family. Putting food on their plate. Shoes on their feet.  I'm robbing from the rich and giving to the poor! I'M A MODERN DAY ROBIN HOOD! SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM???

*Don't Tell Me, It's Not Worth Fighting For...*

The problem is, it's dishonest.  Sure, it seems harmless enough but at the end of the day, it's dishonest and it requires me contributing to a world I don't want to be part of.  A selfish world.

That's the difference between the real mythical Robin Hood and myself.  See Robin Hood was selfless in his rebellion.  His legend isn't about stealing from the 'man' for his own glory, it's for the good of the people and while I might have mates over each weekend to watch the footy, I know my interests aren't with the greater good.  They're based entirely on my own interests.  And that is selfish.

So I politely decline the offer and now the technician thinks I'm an idiot.

*Everything I Do... I Do It For You...*

Hours after this happened I feel better about the offer I rejected. I feel happy.  Able to go to bed tonight feeling like I've contributed to a world I want to be a part of.  I have a moment of moral superiority.  Just a moment.  And with I realise; it's the many small wins.  The tiny moments you fight for what's right or what's better, it's these tiny wins that create a collective good.  It's spreading positivity in small ways that creates the world I want to be part of and in this small way we ALL have the opportunity to be a modern day Robin Hood.  

I look over at the coffee table and see a copy of 'The Campaign' starring Will Ferrell & Zach Galifianakis that my flatmate John hasn't taken back! Damn imaginary people! Can we trust ANYONE???

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A tragic Turn of Events...

I love my iPhone.  

If my life was an episode of friends, my iPhone would be Joey, Ross, Monica, Rachel and Phoebe and I'd be Chandler.  

I do everything on my iPhone.  Texting, emailing, banking, tweeting, facebooking, HELL! I even make calls on it!

But today, tragedy struck.  


I'd had an unusually long day.  Work was tough and we needed to finish off a few projects before the big guy would let me slip back into my own skin.  I've been under the pump lately and it's been hard to remember the important things. My anniversary. My iPhone charger.  But hopefully she'll forgive me.  Siri, I mean.  

To unwind, I decided to give the bar a miss and hit the cinema for that new Tarantino flick.  What's it called...? Oh, yeah, Django.  Django Unchained.   Good movie.    

It was when the flick had finished that I realised... My iPhone was dead...


Immediately I was filled with dread.  What if I'm unreachable for 20 minutes?  What if someone messages me and they can't get hold of me!! What if.... what if I'm forced to live like it's 1995???? 


Okay, okay, so really, I panicked, sure.  I searched every shop for a charger. Unsuccessfully.  And then I had to accept that my afternoon would be iPhone less.  

The first five minutes were spent wondering what was trending on twitter, what the most recent Celebrity Dinosaur meme was and how many more views my viral video 'Straya Day is Awesome' had had in the last 35 seconds.  Then I wondered if you would notice that shameless plug...  But after that, I remembered what life was like in the good old days....

I did things I haven't done in years.  I looked up.  When was the last time you looked up at a ceiling?  I mean really looked at the corners, the paint job, the light globe,  do you even know if your globes are energy saving ones without looking?  

I had to ask a stranger to borrow a pen.  Then I had to ask another stranger, because who REALLY carries a pen with them anymore.  Not Gen Y's, that's for sure. That's how I met Gladys, she was the senior at the Erina food court who lent me a pen.  A Parker fountain pen to be exact that belonged to her late husband.  

I counted chewing gum on the pavement, I looked at an ice cream smudged fingerprint on an escalator and wondered what flavour it was, I regretted learning it was choc-mint.  I smiled, I smelled and I heard the world around me because suddenly, it wasn't confined to a 15 centimeter square box of light and sound.  I was happy.  

And then I got home and blogged about it.  

So while I may not have divorced my iPhone and said goodbye to my palm Monica, Joey, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe, I have remembered that there is so much more out there and I urge you to put your phone away.  Even for an hour.  Walk to the shops, go for a run, do something and be completely unaccessible. 

I promise, you'll be truly amazed by what you remember you forgot. 

Sunday, February 3, 2013

I blame Channel 7 for this post!

Who would have thought that out of all the things to give someone perspective, out of all things in the world, in nature, surrounding us day by day in whatever the life we lead that Channel 7 would cause such a profound feeling in me that i am experiencing right now.

Jess and I had a fight. Not a big fight. A stupid fight. A long distance fight. When i say Jess and I had a fight, honestly speaking I had a fight with Jess. You know those fights you have with your partner where you can't articulate what they've done or why you are angry a them but you just are and they deserve it no matter what. It was one of those fights. It started because Jess told me she wanted to see me soon. Oh yes. Don't come near me. I stink. I stink, because I am an arsehole.

I just snapped at her and flew into this rant and all this anger and frustration burst forth and it felt good, satisfying to let it out in this torrent of blather. Like looking at the recent floodwaters, muddy and brown, unable to grasp that this water is just water afterall, like the water we drink in a bottle, or shower with but in the same instant is a deadly force to be reckoned with. Such is the way with words. They are just words. Those in the dictionary, but with force and feeling they can tear holes in the steeliest heart.

My anger just burst forth, from nowhere, it breached the dam walls and consumed me.

Did it stop?


Why did it stop?

Because of Channel 7.

(Dramatic Pause)

Sunday Night covered the floods in their program but more importantly, they interviewed the brave helicopter rescuer who saved a number of lives including that of a little 14 month old boy who he winched to safety in a bag. As i watched this man whose boundless courage saved numerous lives, i was moved to tears. I was sobbing or crying hysterically but something in this mans bravery had moved me to my core.

That this man could risk everything he holds dear for these helpless people he'd never met before, nor need meet again. He risked never saying "I love you" to his kids again, racing his mate to the bottom of a schooner, cursing the television as his footy team lost, he risked never seeing a sunset again or seeing the mist on the road as the rain clouds clear. He risked never smelling fresh bread or cut grass or seeing frost on his breath. He risked all that and so so so much more for people who he had never met before. It moved me to tears.

Yet here I sit, filled with anger and frustration having cursed and damned the one I love without knowing what lies around the corner. And it hit me. Imagine if by some ill fate, those were the last words I had ever said to Jess, or if ... You get the picture.

We all know that life is short. Life is precious. But how often do we actually live a day, an hour, a moment, as if it were our last.

If you do, bloody good on you! Because i for one know that i take so many things for granted. I can go for days without ever truly being grateful for anything, when I have so much to be grateful for.

I urge you, I urge everyone to take a moment. One moment right now. Just to close your eyes and be thankful for one thing at least. Because nome of us know when the day might come where we'll be praying for the opportunity to be grateful for anything.

And for those of you who think this post is a load of shit, by all means you're entitled to your opinion but leave an abusive comment below, instead, leave it with Channel 7. :-)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Aliens Are Among US!!!!

That's right, aliens are here according to Bulgarian Scientists who have been communicating with our inter-galactic neighbors by beaming complex codes into space and reading the replies that are flooding in mostly in the form of crop circles!

Now, I don't deny that crop circles exist and GOD I HOPE they are aliens communicating but... really? Aliens? These uber intelligent beings that have traveled all the way across the unknown universe to communicate with aerial finger paintings in a a field? What I feel is more likely is that a teenage alien has borrowed Mum's UFO for the weekend and popped down to earth to do some doughies. Maybe, build a period while they're here, or play laser wars with the dinosaurs, except that the lasers were real and the dinosaurs were still working on prototypes of defensive shields that, evidently, extinction prohibited them from finishing...

These scientists are saying that we're not smart enough to communicate with the aliens. Fair call, it may be true but I don't really feel that the aliens are doing their bit.... Stephen Hawkins, the smartest man on the planet has worked out a way to communicate with us! I've never seen him doing wheelchair doughnuts in a field, so why hasn't ET found a way to phone home yet!!!
Hawkins is English, his voice activated chair is American - HE'S SO SMART HE'S EVEN WORKED OUT HOW TO CHANGE HIS ACCENT!!!!

Apparently the aliens are everywhere! Watching us! Always! I don't know about you but I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of inter-galactic perverts! Who else are they watching??? No wonder Mars is pulling faces!

The main message they want to communicate, while watching us is that they're not happy with the way we meddle with mother natures processes and interfere with the environment. Fair call, yeah, we've f**ked things up a little down here but I find the whole notion a little hypocritical coming from 'things' that send text messages via crop! If you're so worried about the environment and our treatment of it, leave the wheat alone and get a twitter account! @Outerspace: following; Buzz Lightyear, Neil Armstrong, Bowie.

Apparently, in 10 - 15 years we will be able to chat to aliens, we will be able to communicate with them but not by text, or crop or even tin can telephone... We'll communicate via thought! If that's true, I will be in SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much trouble! Say, for instance, I can clear my head of all the misdemeanors that orbit my cerebellum and I'm a clear thinking, upstanding member of society and space, I still don't want to be making love in 10-15 years getting poked on 'spacebook' by Minerva from Planet X2YZZ. So if you are an alien and you're reading this and thinking of tuning into my thoughts, here they are: You can take Saturn's Rings and Stick Them Up URANUS!!!! You pervert weirdos. (Please don't shoot me with a laser...)